Dreams and School

Ever since I have known J, she has always struggled to find what she wants to DO.  She is not content to just do something just to earn money, she wants to find a job, a career, that provides meaning as well as an income.  This is fairly typical of our age group, we are not our parents, who have often been locked into jobs they hate just to pay the mortgage/etc.  My wife is so incredible, she is organized, charismatic, charming, resourceful, patient and non-intrusive.  She excels at getting people organized and on task.  It has been very difficult and heart wrenching watching her struggle to find a career path.  Originally it was going to be a stay-at-home mom while our kids were little, but that fell through when we couldn't get pregnant.

She was accepted into a very competitive and exclusive program at a local post-secondary institution, I knew in my heart that she would get in, and I'm so proud of her.  While it's not EXACTLY what she wants to do, it's a very important stepping stone to get her where she wants to go.  

And while this delays our baby plans at least another 2 years, I'm weirdly OK with that (maybe it's all the counselling?).  I will be 31 when J finishes her program (WEIRD), she will be 35 (EVEN WEIRDER).  We will have been married for 5 years, together for 11 (SUPER DUPER WEIRD).  It gives us (me) a big opportunity to finish our condo and clear physical and financial space for our kids.  I am excited for my wife and this opportunity, and I am excited for what's to come.

In the meantime, we have life to live!!

Being True

I read a lot of blogs, I read a lot of family blogs, organizational blogs, parenting blogs, etc etc etc, and one theme that breeds through all of them is this nausea inducing white washed effect where everything seems sunny and cheerful *all* the time, that challenges are met and passed with skill and grace.

Please

I believe this does us a disservice.  It makes me look at my own marriage and go "wtf is wrong with us?", since there are moments when we want to strangle the other person, moments where I have to sit on my hands (and feelings) and just keep my mouth shut.

I suppose you could argue that putting REAL LIFE PROBLEMS on the internet is "airing the dirty laundry", that no one wants to read about the ugly belly of cohabitating with someone (and often the small humans who come into their lives through choice).

Perhaps that's why blogs like The Bloggess are so popular, because she lets her crazy out where everyone can see it.

Surprise, marriage is hard, and sometimes it sucks and you want to run away, but the rest of the time it's awesome.  Like when I have to hit J in her sleep because she's rolled onto her back and is obstructing her airway in her sleep because she's so allergic to life right now.

Being with someone over the long haul means you have to work together to GROW together.  You have to re-learn habits, ways of talking to people, ways of living in another person's space.

Is it worth it though?  Absolutely.  When I get super cranky and miserable and we're fighting and I contemplate the "what ifs", it's never as interesting as staying and working through our shit.  And so, we will make it to our 3rd wedding anniversary next year.  Yahtzee!

Spring

It has been wonderfully warm on the west coast.  It probably won't stick around forever, but it's a quick (week-long) reminder that summer is COMING.  This long weekend will see glorious weather, which is fantastic for all the Christians doing their sunrise services outside on Sunday (my parents included), where for the past dozen years it's absolutely poured rain.

Since spring is coming, I have been hard at work on our patio for the past day. We brought plants from our house that we love and adore, but in practicality do not like living in pots on a deck in FULL SUN all year long (*cough*geraniums*cough*).  We also wanted to plant veggies (illicit veggies, since our strata doesn't allow them.  They also don't allow pink flamingos, a very explicit instruction, yet our pink flamingo is rather sentimental for us and came from our old place, and so it's stayed).  I spent my morning yesterday toiling on our patio, revelling in the sun and warm, and then trucked over a car full of plants to my parents' house, where I proceeded to put them in the ground and also give time to my mom's large and gorgeous garden.

My family is avid hobby gardeners, although my mom is much more into pretty flowers than food (although the foodscape has definitely been expanding in the past several years).  When J and I moved into our rental house 3 years ago, we put HOURS into the garden (and a lot of money, too) and grew tons of stuff.  I miss it, and I don't miss it.  I lacked the motivation at that point to deal with the constant upkeep (the yard was absolutely overrun with incredibly invasive species, which required me to scour the garden daily for them).  I learned a lot.  My mom, having retired in December, took the Master Garderner's course in January, and has now earned the title of "Master Gardener", which fills me with pride and also makes me giggle, especially since my mom is attempting to commit every plant that touches her hands to latin memory.

This weather also reminds me of how much time I *need* to spend outside.  It's not a want, it's a primal, physical need to breathe the air and move my body and be around lots of green things.  Being outside fills my whole body with joy, something that running has allowed me to fully indulge and consequently understand.  Being outside is not optional.

To put it into the context of my marriage meant that I had to understand that my needs were incredibly important, that I was not articulating them, and then becoming resentful when they weren't filled (surprise!).  J is not, despite being a Girl Guide for many many years, a total outdoorsy type like I am.  I completed by very first backpacking trip ever 2 weeks ago and am absolutely hooked.  J will probably never participate in these activities with me.  I had to give myself permission to do these big things without her, to get over the guilt of "being gone for a weekend" and not "spending time with her".  I'm a better person when I get my run in, when I go and do these crazy trips with friends, when I spend an inordinate amount of time with dirt clumped under my fingernails and various sticks and leaves in my hair.

This was a big thing for me.  I'm not sure where, or how I learned that my needs and wants were not as important as other people's, I'm not sure if I learned this from my family or from the culture I live in (thanks, Patriarchy).  This will continue on into our family, since I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my own long-term happiness for other people.  We will have a running/trail stroller, I will get up earlier, I will simply go for a walk with my toddler, but it's all equally important.

On that note, it's time to put on some runners and go for a jog in the glorious morning sunshine with the birds chirping out their mating calls!

Six Years

Today marks 6 years since I took a deep breath and kissed J, which was the culmination of 2 weeks of CRAZY flirting and me nearly going out of my mind trying to figure out if this straight woman was actually flirting or just super touchy-feely.

I still get jumpy and twitchy and so anxious I could barf when I think about that moment (which is how I felt).  We "took it slow" and only hauled out the U-Haul 6 months later.

It's pretty crazy to think about where we came from and where we are now, especially in the midst of all of our "stuff" at the moment.

I still wake up next to her every morning thankful that she's apart of my life for who she is and what she brings to it.

In 2.5 weeks, we will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary, which is equally mind-blowing for me.  Those 2 years have been the hardest and most heartbreaking, as we *never* thought we would be here without a little one to accompany us.  It did force us to open our space and "air out the dirty laundry" to deal with ourselves and each other, to ask the universe for help and to be on the receiving end of much love.

My own epiphanies are coming fast and furious now, in sorting through my own issues.  I had an absolutely beautiful session the other day and came away feeling better than I did when I went in.  The process is still emotionally draining, and I'm so conscious of that.  No overtime, lots of down time, lots of running/walking/hiking, lots of time in nature, lots of time with family and friends (and of course my wife).

I suppose it's the right time, since spring is the time of renewal and rebirth.

Already I can feel the lessening of the resentment and anger that I've carried around, so we are getting somewhere.  :)

Wordfull

So our struggle with TTC finally caught up with us, we thought we had navigated away from the roughest parts, only to be sunk back into it's ugly depths.  Stuff I have avoided addressing and dealing with for my entire life reared it's ugly head.  Thankfully, there are those who choose a profession in helping others understand where all this extraneous crap comes from.

It's very telling really, to be arguing with your spouse about who last did the dusting, and realize that the argument has very little to do with the ACTUAL dusting, and more to do with one side feeling sorely neglected and un-nutured, and the other side is feeling overwhelmed and abandoned.

I never really learned to argue, I just shut down and leave, sometimes physically but ALWAYS emotionally.  My counsellor has pointed out that my sibling and I played out our parents' inability to address their issues in a non wait-until-someone-erupts-from-frustration/anger/resentment, and that because it was never resolved, the wife and I now play out this ridiculous theatrics.  I have a history with door slamming and being grumpy.

It's good though, this shit needs to be all hauled out and air dried because we are meant to be absolutely spectacular parents, and we can't be the spectacular parents while we're holding onto this emotional garbage.  It is physically (through our inability to get pregnant) preventing us from becoming parents at this stage.

A major part of my healing work involves my inner child, whom I have always known was there, but never realized how important she is.  Perhaps this method is not for everyone, but it's working for me!

In the meantime, I put on a game face for all my friends/co-workers who are pregnant and pretend to be happy for them (I am, really......... ok I'm mostly happy, but also stomping on my own feelings of deep sadness and resentment).

So, I haven't died, but there is important work happening right now, work that is more important to getting healthy.  We will raise amazing amazing human beings, which requires tremendous effort and insight.  This is part of a rock solid foundation upon which the rest of our lives will be built.

Hurray to marriage!

Marriage

I like to think that I entered into my marriage with my eyes open.  Truth is, I didn't fully understand or appreciate the deep level of sharing it would require.  DW and I started bickering a lot in the fall, not anything major, but our communication started to break down (she would say something, I would feel affronted and totally shut down, either by physically or mentally checking out).  Bad bad habits.  So we've sought help, since it has become clear to us that we needed a third person to help us break our bad habits and build healthier ways of communicating, since if you throw a baby into that mix, it would have not ended well (most likely with a big D, or maybe not, we'll never know).  

Our help is in the form of a very wise woman, who is able to look past the bullshit and get right to your core, which is pretty neat.  She is both gentle and firm, which is exactly what we need.  We are both ready and willing to work and change, and I am incredibly grateful that I have a partner who says "yes, I see the problem, and I see that we are struggling to fix it on our own and that outside help would be beneficial".  

So, while this is a good start for us, we have a lot of work to do.  I'm still heartbroken and sad from not being able to conceive, and I'm carrying a lot of that around with me.  I need to process it, because while J says she has moved on, I most certainly have not.

Maybe our baby saw that it's moms were not ready yet, that their presence would have been damaging, and so held off?  I don't know.  I know that we will work hard to form new habits, to move beyond what we're doing now and further into deeper commitment to each other.  Giving our kids a stable and extremely happy marriage, where they can watch problem-solving and negotiation in real time is a huge gift.

In the meantime, we're trying to be extra gentle to each other, extra not-annoying and trying not to slam our hands down on each other's blow-up buttons.

Meme

I found a cute meme over on .breaking into blossom. and she made it steal-able.  So I am.

Right now I am...

Listening to: a remix of Florence and the Machine.  And the dishwasher.  And my cat grooming himself.
Sipping: a delicious caramel almond milk latte.  And my favourite tea, "Divine Temptation".
Catching up on: rest, since I completed 5 12 hour shifts in a row (3 days and 2 nights), and I'm completely drained and exhausted.
Hoping: that the sun will come back again.  And that my dinner tonight with friends will go wonderfully.
Enjoying: feeling of rest, the not-doing-anything.  I have a massage and a wonderful dinner tonight.
Smiling: because it's my wife's birthday tomorrow and I love surprising her.
Trying: to pretend I'm not cold, and that I don't need to wear pants (clearly I do, since I'm shivering)
Weighing: when will be a good time to get up and get at 'em.
Marvelling: that the weather went from almost-right-on-the-verge spring (with sun and the smell of newness) right back into winter (with icy rain and hovering-around-zero temperatures)
Sending: good thoughts to a friend, who is struggling with mastitis.  Ouchies.


Her meme answers were beautiful and thoughtful.  Unfortunately after too many shifts in a row, my thoughts are not very deep. They feel shallow, but I'm OK with that, because I know that my brain is recovering from my job, and attending to all the small details that I don't get to think about when I'm at work.