Friday, June 22, 2012

Donor Picking

I haven't really written about the process of donor picking yet.  I joke in RL that this it's "flipping through the Ikea catalogue" (even though it's all done online).  We've only just begun to look at donors, and it's surprising, or rather unsurprising, what's important to us and what is kind of unimportant.

Generally, sperm banks only accept donors over a certain height.  They are generally all post-secondary, with good family histories (it goes back 2 generations on maternal and paternal sides).  ALL of them seem to be incredibly remarkable people with big hearts (in Canada you don't get paid to donate sperm).  The sperm is quarantined for 6 months and retested to ensure it's clean, it's screened and DNA tested for things like CF and other "big" diseases.  The morphology (what the sperm look like) is closely inspected, and donors have to have a good sperm-thaw count (i.e., even of the donor has a great sperm count to begin with, it may not defrost well).

All of them have at least one post-sec degree (most of them seem to have at least a Masters).  They're either incredibly talented athletes or musicians or artists or SOMETHING.  It makes me feel like I've been wasting my talents!  A lot of them want to become parents.  We are looking for an ID release donor, as I don't feel that completely cutting off my kids' ability to find their donor later is something that I am comfortable doing.

In any case, soon the great sperm hunt will begin.  Oh the hysteria...


I had a big cry a week ago, I just sobbed and sobbed because I was so resentful and bitter and hating myself for being this way.  J brought me back to earth, reminded me of what we're doing, where we're going, and why we're still at this.

And then I found peace.  I realized that I'm not spending enough time in the NOW, that I keep looking at what I don't have instead of what I do have.  I know we will have kids, but I just had to work through this.  I'm finally truly happy for all my friends who do have babies or are pregnant, not just full of bitter seething resentful jealousy.  I am finally enjoying my days with my wife, taking full advantage with the (hopeful) thought that this will be our last solo summer ever.

We had our Provincial health mandated counselling appointment (to use a fertility clinic, you have to see a counsellor as part of the screening process.  It's great, they should make any potential parents do it!!).  DW has another pelvic exam type thing, we have our donor insemination appointment on my birthday, and then we get to order sperm!  The plan is to order it in time for August, although we may not even BE here, in which case we'll insem in September.  DW is planning to go back to school in September, so we'll have a lot to work through.

In the meantime, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy my "champagne birthday" (I turn 28 on the 28th next week!), spend time with my lovely wife and do lots of yoga.

Tonight I'm heading up to camp for a night, as it's our Guide retreat (Girl Guides, it's all the adults, our end of year hooray/dinner/extravaganza), so it will be fantastic on all accounts!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Waiting and Waiting

This afternoon I called to book our Donor Sperm Orientation appointment at our RE's office.  I mentioned that we didn't want to leave it too late, as DW ovulates sometime in early July, to which the absolutely lovely woman on the other end of the line informed me that they don't get their sperm in time.


Turns out, because this clinic does SO many donor sperm insems per year, they get all their shipments packaged once a month and shipped, thereby eliminating shipping fees for patients (WHICH IS AWESOME).  However, we'll have missed the deadline for our ordering by the time our appointment rolls around (which coincides with my birthday).  Which means, we'll be missing July (WHICH SUCKS).  We will most likely be in Calgary for the August ovulation, so we're looking at September.  Which makes my heart hurt.  Like.... hard.

But, I guess it's not all bad, especially since my last post whining about whether this was even an ethical choice for us for financial reasons... One of my things will be paid off by then, and thus I can get my CC under control a little better.  We can save up.  DW has more time to find a job.

But it still sucks.  September... so we're looking at a June 2013 baby at the very earliest (well... it could be earlier but let's not go there).  I know it's only a couple of months, but it's heart breaking.  But we'll have a good solid summer off, regroup, re-sort, finish the house, spend some serious QT with each other, maybe do a little bit of traveling to my family's cabin and just hang out.

Just keep swimming...

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Feeling whiney

I shouldn't whine, I know I shouldn't.  DW and I are *so* lucky to live in an incredible condo in a gorgeous city, close to our incredibly supportive parents.  We just bought a brand new car, we have money in the bank (although right at this moment there's not a lot of it!), food in the fridge, I have a job (DW is currently searching for a job).  I have so much to be thankful for.

But I still feel lost, because we aren't parents yet.  I just ovulated today, so I'm extra moody and whiney about this currently.  It's been a year.  That ticker I installed on the sidebar has reset the bunnies back to the front.  UGH.

There's a rather large and ever growing list of people around me who are happily pregnant, and for the most part blissfully unaware of how lucky they are that it didn't take a ton of trying (some of these people I'm assuming, since they were either recently married or told me not that long ago that they weren't planning to start trying for kids yet).  Our last round was in March/April since we found out KD had abnormal sperm morphology, so we've been on a break for a good long while.  DW has pretty much stopped temping, and she's even stopped her prenatal vitamins.  I'm sure there's a deeper reason for this, but we haven't really unpacked it yet since we're busy unpacking our house.  We're eating decently, but not getting enough physical activity, which has consequently made me feel rather disgusting.

It's weird that I've amassed this sort of... I don't know what you would call it... ability? to decide what I want, and then simply work towards it single mindedly until I get it.  And usually it appears quickly.  I hoped that TTC would go this fast, but it just didn't.... and hasn't.

Case in point: we decided to buy a place in January.  We found a real-estate agent, but then went on vacation.  Came back mid-February.  Saw 6 places, loved the 3rd one we saw, put an offer in that night, was accepted, deposit paid and paperwork signed on DW's birthday (Feb 22nd), closed April 3rd, moved April 27th.  Done done done.

Next case: we desperately needed a new car (our 1996 Subaru wagon was going to cost us nearly $4K in repairs, plus it needed new tires and sucked gas like you wouldn't believe).  Find car.  Test drive it once.  Don't even bother to shop around.  Buy it the next day.  Done.

So, spending a year trying for something we want SO BADLY has been difficult.  Surprisingly not difficult on our marriage, but difficult on our ability to get anything else done.  I feel as though I'm on the precipice of the next round though, even if we don't know when that next round will be.

Since we're purposefully TTC, I worry that bringing a child into a slightly tenuous financial situation isn't necessarily fair, that we should be extra responsible and pre-plan everything BECAUSE WE CAN.  TTC with KD wasn't really an issue, because we didn't yet have a mortgage and a car payment, but now we do, and now we have to pay for sperm...  It makes me feel like I'm not really a grown up, like I'm just playing at life.  I feel like being responsible means having a child when all your consumer debt is paid off ("you can go outside to play when your room is clean").  It's a fine line between the ticking clock and paying off my credit card...  However, as my lovely DW keeps pointing out, it's just money and there will never be enough of it, but there is always more.

Babies, however, don't last forever.  Eggs have a shelf life.  Time to go.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Starting Over

We had our consult with one of the local fertility clinics, which was great!  I'm a little terrified of the expense, since we have a greatly reduced financial cushion... but at the end of the day, it's only money, and having kids running around is WAY more important.

Our new place is great!!  My only slight annoyance is that it's kind of far from everyone, but I somehow seem to be more willing to drive than I used to be.  Weird.  I love our neighbourhood and our own space, and everything.  We're still finishing off projects and planning new ones (3 weeks after we moved in, the front of the cutlery drawer came off, and that's when I realized that it's only held on with ONE screw into compressed wood chip board.  There is no other options for a second screw, short of drilling through metal...  Oh well.  Thus is homeownership!  But I love it!

Now we're onto looking through the "ikea catalogue" for donors.  And buying a new car, since ours has awful gas mileage!  Exciting!